When my boyfriend came through the door, sat down near me, and said: “This is going to be hard, but I think we need to break up.”, I believed my world to be over. It was so unexpected. We planned on spending his day off shopping, watching movies, not this. The day before, he even told me that he couldn’t wait to spend time with me on his day off. I’ll admit, I cried. I cried hard. I called my mother up like a small child complaining about a boo-boo. This wasn’t a boo-boo, though. This wasn’t just a break-up. We lived together. I asked him what he expected me to do at this time. He said I can take my time getting my stuff out. Yet, as I packed up my essentials and headed towards the door, he asked for his keys back.
“No, way.” I replied. He seemed to not comprehend why I would want to keep the keys. If I were to give him his keys, that gave him possession of all my things.
“But I’m rarely here for you to pick up your stuff.” he blasted at me. Precisely! How will I ever be capable of coming back and getting MY things when I can’t even get in the building?
As I left, I had a very odd feeling bubbling inside of me. In a way, I felt depressed, but I also felt free. I guess it didn’t register properly. I kept listening to “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” by Oasis and that definitely helped keep me grounded.
I’m very much aware of what I did wrong. I knew him for two months before we started our relationship, and we have been together for about six months. I lived with him for about five months. I did not think of it as a wrong thing at the time since he met everyone I care about and they felt he was the one for me. I felt he was the one for me. I have been single for years before I met him and you know why? The boyfriend I had before him was a manipulative and abusive asshole. I felt that I was finally ready to move on from it and be in a mature relationship with someone else. I was ready. I was finally with someone that was not afraid to stand up for me, live with me, take care of me, and respect me. I knew I had the right person when he gave my creepy Uber driver hell. (Long story)
He knew my faults. He knew I had anxiety and borderline personality disorder. It didn’t matter at the time, he was there for me. It didn’t matter because I was able to control myself better than I was able to in the past. I have made incredible strides with therapy. When he broke up with me, that didn’t matter to him.
“I truly believe I will be happier without you in my life.” and “I can’t handle your mental illness.” are the most damning things he has said to me.
Imagine actually saying that to someone. That’s the type of things you would say to an abuser. I was not an abuser. It made me feel like complete shit. It made me feel like I will never find someone that can handle me. That I am such a mental case that no one would want to be with.
For the record, I am not perfect. I made it super clear that I was not perfect in this relationship. No one ever is. I have never cheated, never abused him in ANY way, and I was always there for him when he needed me to be. When he was struggling at his job and wanted out, I helped him with his resume, his cover letter, and made sure we had time to look for jobs together. When he felt insecure, I made sure he felt confident in himself. Since I worked less hours than he did, I made sure the apartment was clean, laundry was done, food was ready for him when he came back. I’m no 50’s housewife, but I try to do what I can when I know he is working more than I am.
As time went on after the breakup, I realized I did more than I should have done. I had myself to worry about as well. Where was I for me?
Around this time, I was being harassed by a co-worker and made the decision to make an official complaint against him. For my safety, I left that job and jumped into another one where once again, I was being shit on by a co-worker. She embarrassed me in front of clients, brought me down whenever she can, threatened my job position even though she wasn’t my employer. This drove me to feeling faint at work, having nose bleeds, so I quit. For a short time, I was on welfare, and stopped after getting a new job. Well, until those conditions at this job were so awful, that inspectors had to come in and they were due to close. Yay!
My life was pretty awful for these last few years. I won’t spread my entire chagrins your way, but this is just to give you an idea of what was going on around the time my boyfriend left me. He left me when I had no job, where I had very little money, and I had no bed left. So I’m currently sleeping on the couch at my parent’s place.
The weekend before he broke up with me, we went to a cottage with his friends. I had a terrible time there because one of his friends was giving me dirty glances. I met her once before this. She was giving me those stares before. I should have not even went to the cottage knowing she will be there, but I wanted to judge less, and see if anything will change. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding? It wasn’t. Every time I spoke, every time I tried to help them out with anything, every time I tried to join in on the conversation, she would give me the look of: don’t even try.
The look I got plenty of times in high school. This was coming from a grown woman. I was being excluded and I had no idea why. I wasn’t being rude to them. I was a very shy person and embarrassingly enough, wanted them to like me, because these were my boyfriend’s friends. It gave me so much anxiety, the next morning, I stayed in my bed and refused to get out. He later told me that I am being unreasonable and that I should just suck it up and try to make her like me. In my opinion, that’s not the reaction you should get from your significant other. If one of my friends was giving him dirty looks, I would pull them aside and ask them what their problem is. Not him. He felt that I was overreacting and that I should be the one to accommodate her. In the end, I decided to do so. I tried really hard. I sat beside her, and I played board games with them. She didn’t stop. He even saw her give me the face. Now he could no longer claim I was overreacting. He saw it with his own two eyes. He reassured me that he WILL speak with her as this is not acceptable. Instead, he cowardly spoke with his best friend first. His best friend then explained to him that I (me) was the problem. His reasonings?
1) I “sounded” rude once when I replied to a question.
2) He said I was wrong with all the arguments we ever had together.
Wow! Those are solid reasons to rethink a relationship. Turns out he was unhappy for an entire month. When I asked him if he was ever unhappy being alone with me, he replied with no. He was unhappy during the times we all hung out together with his friends.
I just couldn’t believe that I am with someone who is pushing 30, and breaks up with me because: “my friends don’t like you for shallow reasons.”
They were very clique-y. I guess I put too much faith in his friends being mature adults.
Also, if you are truly unhappy with someone and want to break up, you wouldn’t spend the last few days going to a cottage with them, shopping with them, leaving them to spend time with their mother, right?
The first few weeks, I was in survival mode. I immediately asked for help and was lucky to get help from an intervention worker and my sister. They helped me pack, gave me taxi vouchers, and in under a week and a half, I was able to get all my stuff out. Well, not all, some things I told him to keep.
When I got everything settled back at my parents’ and lied down on the couch, the wave of depression hit big time. Survival mode was over.
It’s not a fun experience being a broke 28 year-old jobless, abandoned loser sleeping on your parents couch. One minute, you are in love and have plans to go back to school, get married, have children. It was over. That no longer exists.
I can’t even go back to school at the moment since I’m on the list to get an apartment and if you want socially regulated housing, you have to have a job and can’t be in school full-time. I don’t make the rules.
During this time, I felt so down with the direction my life took, that I was once again, thinking about suicide. I wrote on twitter my goodbyes and took a walk. I felt like I was going to pass out. It felt like I was carrying a person on my shoulders. When I checked my phone, I couldn’t believe how many people messaged me and asked if I was okay. Someone even contacted my dad and let them know.
I’m so glad I decided to stay alive. I’m glad I reached out for help.
I am now in an employability program where I work in a cafe and do workshops. They referred me to this recording studio so I can record demos of my songs and have many other appointments to go through. I was even asked if I want to perform in April of next year. It’s a great way to be heard!
Imagine taking your life because one person treated you like shit?
The lesson? You can trust people, but be cautious.
Never give up!
I would like to give thanks to those that have helped me throughout this difficult time. It is still a struggle but I’m getting better with time.
I also would like to thank Oasis and Liam Gallagher funnily enough for helping me not give up on my dreams of making music.